INHALING THE MOON
was the name of this blog when I first started it in December 2015.
It then changed to Returning To Firdaus (2016) as things evolved in my experiences of life. RTF was looking ripe to become an expansion of my YouTube series Coffee & Incense as those series of chats over coffee too moved beyond tarot into larger life ponderings by 2017, after I ended my monthly tarot meditations with the "Year Ahead" cards. The series slowly grew more into another YouTube channel, instead of a blog. And so, this blog became "My Tarot Closet" (2017). The idea was to leave this blog as an archive of my past tarot related posts. As life would have it, I was forced to realise soon after (2018), that I never really knew who my audience was, and the community I finally allowed myself to feel a part of, was no more, or was never there to begin with. So, I suspended RTF. The topic was too important to me. The communally rooted tarot which was the starting point of all these, became increasingly incongruent with my life and what I believe in, as I became more and more uncomfortable with what the tarot community on YouTube was becoming. I felt a strong urge to remove any words containing "Tarot" from the title of this blog. So I renamed this blog, again. But this time, I finally changed the URL too. The old link is now dead.
*
*
Flowers & Ashes (2019) is the title of a blog post I wrote some years back, reflecting on grieving, transformation, living with open wounds, and moving on. It finally feels like what this blog is really about. A modest record of a fraction of a self, who stumbled briefly upon tarot, and continues to journey, and continues to change.
Returning to where I came from.
(2020)
------------
INHALING THE MOON
Someone looked at palm one time, and told me that I have "The Line of the Moon Priestess". My "Mount of Luna" was rather pronounced, he said. I had no idea what
those meant. "Are you a psychic?". I laughed.
Nervously. "No", I said.
No. I don't believe I am. At least not by my definition. I am not an "empath" either. Those words have been thrown around way too much, and their true meanings badly devalued. I shall not want to contribute to their deteriorations.
The unseen, the least understood, the mysterious. The other side, as some would call it. Those always fascinated me. Off to dig I go.
Comparative religion, psychology, symbology, semiotics, cultural anthropology, spirituality, mythology, history, art, sociology, linguistics, philosophy.
My current journey started of with a repeating pattern of dreams. Filled with complex and detailed visual stimuli which included colours, textures, spaces, items, and a variety of things I could describe in great details, along with equally complex story line each time. This spanned over a decade. Non stop. For all those years, I trained myself to remember my dreams, which are often forgotten as soon as I awoke, and recorded them in a dream journal. Because I wanted to remember them, I wanted to examine them. As I did not understand where those images, those things which unfolded in my mind as I sleep every night, came from. They never resembled my real life. No media I consumed were even close to any of the scenes I constantly encountered in my sleep.
As recent life changing events and experiences unfolded, this pattern of dream ceased. Its colours, mood, feel, and story lines changed. In fact, the dreams themselves largely stopped. This made me even more convinced, that dreams, carry with it abilities to assist our conscious mind, that is yet to be fully explored.
I already know what I needed to know. but I didn't know it, until I examined my dreams.
As the dreams ceased, so did my dream journaling habits. But my wonderment about the other side of consciousness continued.
My upbringing was intellectually focused, mildly religious, mainly secular, and largely humanist. I grew up in "the East" with the intermingling of mainstream religious traditions with large elements of ancient spirituality, where exploring them are acceptable and even respectable. Parts of this journey of discovery involved similar areas, but in the "western" tradition, and thus, areas of great prejudice and ridicule.
No. I don't believe I am. At least not by my definition. I am not an "empath" either. Those words have been thrown around way too much, and their true meanings badly devalued. I shall not want to contribute to their deteriorations.
Nevertheless. Something is telling me that there is something out there, and it is seeking to be
understood.
The unseen, the least understood, the mysterious. The other side, as some would call it. Those always fascinated me. Off to dig I go.
Comparative religion, psychology, symbology, semiotics, cultural anthropology, spirituality, mythology, history, art, sociology, linguistics, philosophy.
My current journey started of with a repeating pattern of dreams. Filled with complex and detailed visual stimuli which included colours, textures, spaces, items, and a variety of things I could describe in great details, along with equally complex story line each time. This spanned over a decade. Non stop. For all those years, I trained myself to remember my dreams, which are often forgotten as soon as I awoke, and recorded them in a dream journal. Because I wanted to remember them, I wanted to examine them. As I did not understand where those images, those things which unfolded in my mind as I sleep every night, came from. They never resembled my real life. No media I consumed were even close to any of the scenes I constantly encountered in my sleep.
As recent life changing events and experiences unfolded, this pattern of dream ceased. Its colours, mood, feel, and story lines changed. In fact, the dreams themselves largely stopped. This made me even more convinced, that dreams, carry with it abilities to assist our conscious mind, that is yet to be fully explored.
I already know what I needed to know. but I didn't know it, until I examined my dreams.
As the dreams ceased, so did my dream journaling habits. But my wonderment about the other side of consciousness continued.
Carl Jung. Do I need to say more?
I began to
explore and revisited the idea of archetypes, universal consciousness,
symbolism, and various Jungian constructs.
Recently, I found
an old book of mine. "Man and His Symbols". The pages have yellowed with age, filled with underlines
and my handwritten notes. My signature can still be seen. It was dated sometime 20 years ago.
I came full circle, it seems.
As some part of Jung's explorations must remained in the shadows, for him to remain in the company of society, so must this part of mine for me.
As some part of Jung's explorations must remained in the shadows, for him to remain in the company of society, so must this part of mine for me.
In the closet, it went.
Whether this is something I should fight against or not, is a topic for a different day.
My upbringing was intellectually focused, mildly religious, mainly secular, and largely humanist. I grew up in "the East" with the intermingling of mainstream religious traditions with large elements of ancient spirituality, where exploring them are acceptable and even respectable. Parts of this journey of discovery involved similar areas, but in the "western" tradition, and thus, areas of great prejudice and ridicule.
Perhaps this is because in the western world, these areas are not as well integrated and so are not as well discussed and understood. Perhaps because they are known as soft targets for those who seek to advance dishonourable intentions. Perhaps because in these areas credibility can often be a little too fluid. Either way, I can not do this in the open.
I am not sure yet as to where this journey will end. I only know that right now, I need to make it. So, 'coming out' may not even be an issue I need to worry about in the end.
Right now, I am still in the process of taking things in. Yet to conclude, to decide, and to choose a path forward.
But I am finally strong enough and brave enough to step out into the night: I saw a bright, huge, beautiful moon.
And I inhaled.
When I exhale, I may be further down on this path. Or, I may decide that a different path is now at hand, and that my current journey is a mere transit point, to allow myself be where I really need to be.
Until then.
I am not sure yet as to where this journey will end. I only know that right now, I need to make it. So, 'coming out' may not even be an issue I need to worry about in the end.
Right now, I am still in the process of taking things in. Yet to conclude, to decide, and to choose a path forward.
But I am finally strong enough and brave enough to step out into the night: I saw a bright, huge, beautiful moon.
And I inhaled.
When I exhale, I may be further down on this path. Or, I may decide that a different path is now at hand, and that my current journey is a mere transit point, to allow myself be where I really need to be.
Until then.
(December 2015, Edited 2021)
-------------
THE CRAYFISH AND THE MOON
At the same time that I started this blog, I tried reading tarot as a service for others at the end of 2015, just over a year after I started actively studying tarot. I did this under the name "The Crayfish and The Moon". I likened myself to the crayfish in The Moon card. Crawling, in the dark, in the mud, guided by the moonlit sky, reaching for higher grounds.
It lasted only two months.
"Reading" tarot like that is definitely NOT for me.
I am always going to be a psychologist first, who believe in the power of Free Will and Self Determination.
This, made me a bad "fortune teller". Which sadly, was all everyone who came for a "reading" ever wanted. Tell me my future. Never mind how I can get there or how I can change it.
How to change things so we can get where we want have always been at the centre of all acts of divination in the ancient tradition of my ancestors.
So the tarot reading tradition I encountered, went against the grain of my beliefs and the traditions I inherited, from the get go.
Still. It was fun while it lasted, and I learned a lot about myself in tarot by seeing what it is and is not, as well as what I am and what I am not.
The crayfish won't ever reach higher grounds by being told that it will, or will not. It will climb out of the mud, by doing, and by knowing that it can. These will ALWAYS going to be more important.
Sometimes, NOT knowing about the future, is The Crayfish's best bet.
(2015, edited 2021)
*
Below are some testimonials (2015) which greatly touched me, and would like to keep them here, and in my memory, as part of the building blocks of my journey forward. They have helped me, as much as they told me I have them.
*
" ... the reading was very deep and you were right about me, everything you said describes exactly my situation (it) is amazing." (Diana C, Portugal)
"... Wow, I am impressed. Thanks again.." (Cheryl M, United Kingdom)
"Thank you for the reading. It was wonderful." (Vanessa S, Australia)
"This was an amazing reading. Thank you. Really. You were able to fully understand what my question was.... I really enjoyed your reading..." (Dalia T, Mozambique/Portugal)
"Thank you so much for your reading. It was very thorough and on the spot... I am really impressed by your reading and your intuition." (Inga, Iceland/Germany)
"Thank you for your reading, I like how you've given a sense of the energies at work for each month" (Carolyn H, Australia)
"This is spot on, and sums up everything [...] perfectly at the moment. [...] Thank you so much for your reading, it was so thorough and relatable for me" (Rebecca D, Ireland)
"Thank you for your energy and your beautiful reading .. (Nathasha B, Australia)
*
*
So moved. Love this - so glad you are here.
ReplyDelete